The 4 Step Communication Model

Are you good at communicating with rude or difficult people? Do you run the other direction when you see confrontation coming? Is sarcasm part of your communication strategy? Are nonverbal messages your go-to strategy? (Have you caught yourself rolling your eyes, or maybe avoiding eye contact all together?) Do you silently stew about something someone said to you? These are all characteristics that suggest we have room for a little improvement in our communication skills. We all encounter people regulary who can be a challenge with which to communicate so why not learn how to make it go as smoothly as possible and show yourself some respect in the process! Talane Miedaner in her book "Coaching Yourself to Success" offers a model for communicating effectively in any situation.

The model goes like this. When someone says something that is inappropriate (be it desrepectful, rude, an interruption, etc.), you have an opportunity to immediately change the course of the dialogue. You can do this by INFORMING the person in a nuetral tone of voice of what you are observing (i.e. that they are speaking rudely, yelling, swearing, being disrespectful, etc). If the behavior doesn't change or stop, you then REQUEST in a nuetral tone of voice that they change their behavior (i.e. stop yelling, swearing, being rude, etc.) If that still doesn't work, then you DEMAND, in a nuetral tone of voice, that they change their behavior. And finally, if that doesn't work, then you LEAVE; just remove yourself and let them know that you can only continue a conversation with them when the negative behavior ceases. Keep in mind that this interaction should be done as soon as you realize you are bothered by what the other person did or said, and should be done privately if possible. By addressing it right away, you are showing yourself respect, you waste less energy by thinking about the negative interaction, and you give the other person respect by using the nuetral tone of voice and giving them the opportunity to change and carry on a productive conversation. So even if you don't get them to change their behavior, you are still doing a positive thing for yourself; therefore, how can you lose if you address a negative situation? Let's see if it works...

The next day after reading about this model, I was at work and got the opportunity to test it out, not with a customer as I was expecting, but with a coworker! I'd never met her before today, but was taken by surprise when she rudely announced to me that she would be doing something that was against company policy "and that's just the way I do it" she informed. Oh boy, here I go... So I asked her if I could speak with her alone (which raised her defenses). I fumbled a bit and just skipped over step one (INFORM) and launched right into step two when I REQUESTED that she follow company policy. I said it in a nuetral tone, but my red face and stutter hinted that I was uncomfortable with this conversation. With more attitude and an attempt at justifying her position, she finally agreed to follow policy. Hurray! She didn't seem overly joyful about it and I wondered how she'd treat me for the rest of the day. But I did have a sense of self respect that made me happy I'd said something! Also, I could let go of the frustration I initially felt from her because I'd said what I needed to, and didn't let it fester. And much to my dismay, she was cool towards me for only 10 more minutes, but then became very sociable and eventually we even developed a good rapport. Amazing!

Another instance I used this model was when I was sitting outside a store in the shade, and a young lady came outside nearby and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I immediately smiled at her and informed her that I didn't care for the smell of cigarette smoke and asked if she could move a little farther away. She made no fuss about it and just moved further down the way-much to my delight!

And finally, my last example of this communication working for me is when I ordered a blizzard from Dairy Queen (which is a common occurrence in my world), and it was given to me only 3/4 full. Prior to learning this communication model, I may have felt annoyed that I'd paid for a full cup and didn't get what I paid for. But I am learning that if you just address this issue right away, I don't have the opportunity to get annoyed, and the situation can get corrected sooner rather than later or not at all! So in this case I just simply informed the worker that it was not full, and asked that she fill it up. She did so without hesitation. How great is this model of communication and why don't all schools teach this when we're growing up?!

Go out and try this for yourself and let me know how it turns out!